World, meet Baby G.
Surprise.
Surprise, you're having another baby.
Surprise, you're having another baby.
Surprise, you're further along than you think.
Surprise, something is wrong with your baby.
I always thought that the word surprise could only have positive connotations. So often in my life, surprise meant something exciting, something amazing. A feeling of warmth, happiness, and overflowing joy. Never in a thousand years did I think that word would be presented to me on an ordinary day as something so absolutely terrifying.
On January 21st I went in for a dating ultrasound to find out how far along I was and I was so excited to find out that I was a week ahead of what I thought! One week closer to getting out of that rotten first trimester, one week closer to bringing baby into our family. Oh shoot..there goes me having an August baby. Oh well! The tech turned on the 3D and my jaw literally dropped. I had never seen an ultrasound image so clear. I could count fingers and toes, and that nose..AH! Not all good things last. 5 minutes later I was sitting across from my doctor, staring at her in disbelief as she said "your baby has significant fluid on it's spine. We need to do more testing". What?! There is nothing wrong with my baby. I just saw him/her on the ultrasound! He/she was the picture of perfection! I was silent. For the first time in my entire life, I was completely speechless.
Two days later 3 large viles of my blood were on their way to labs in Chicago and Phoenix and I was scheduled with a high risk perinatologist in Fargo, 7 hours away. For 2 days, shock overwhelmed my system and I went through the motions of our normal life, but inside I was completely detached. I was there, but I wasn't. When you are waiting on test results of that magnitude, every single minute feels an hour long. One day feels like seven. Once I got through the weekend, I felt calm, almost invigorated. I was 100% confident that there was nothing was wrong with our perfect baby. Every fiber of my being said that everything was just fine and the ultrasound abnormality was just a fluke. I continued to wait, impatiently, for that call, but I was no longer worried. Instead, I was more excited to know if our little jelly bean was a boy or a girl! 10 days later, the phone FINALLY rang. "Hi Lexi, it's Libby! We got your results back. The results of your test came back negative. We are just going to keep an eye on baby, but everything looks good. Go back to having a happy and healthy pregnancy! By the way, do you want to know the gender"? I was ecstatic. People say that it feels like a huge load has fallen off your shoulders and now I understand. I literally felt 100lbs melt off my body.
Two days later 3 large viles of my blood were on their way to labs in Chicago and Phoenix and I was scheduled with a high risk perinatologist in Fargo, 7 hours away. For 2 days, shock overwhelmed my system and I went through the motions of our normal life, but inside I was completely detached. I was there, but I wasn't. When you are waiting on test results of that magnitude, every single minute feels an hour long. One day feels like seven. Once I got through the weekend, I felt calm, almost invigorated. I was 100% confident that there was nothing was wrong with our perfect baby. Every fiber of my being said that everything was just fine and the ultrasound abnormality was just a fluke. I continued to wait, impatiently, for that call, but I was no longer worried. Instead, I was more excited to know if our little jelly bean was a boy or a girl! 10 days later, the phone FINALLY rang. "Hi Lexi, it's Libby! We got your results back. The results of your test came back negative. We are just going to keep an eye on baby, but everything looks good. Go back to having a happy and healthy pregnancy! By the way, do you want to know the gender"? I was ecstatic. People say that it feels like a huge load has fallen off your shoulders and now I understand. I literally felt 100lbs melt off my body.
5 minutes later my phone rang again with that now familiar phone number. Hmm..that's weird. "Lexi, it's Dr. ****, I'm so sorry, we made a huge error. Your baby has a 99% chance of having Down Syndrome". Shock. Utter shock. Replace that 100lbs I literally just lost with a 1000lb boulder that crushed every muscle, fiber, and cell in my body. No! No! No!. This can not be happening. I'm 26 years old! There is no history of chromosomal defects in my family, or Larrys! We have 3 extremely healthy kids already! What the hell are you talking about?!
Day 1: Silence
Day 2: Denial
Day 3: Grief
Day 4: Anger
Today: Hope
On February 13th, Larry and I will be driving across the state to meet with the only high risk perinatologist in the state for a level 2 ultrasound and hopefully do amniocentesis for a 100% definitive answer. I've been telling myself constantly that everything is going to be fine and we'll have one of those amazing stories of beating the odds. I refuse to prepare for the worst when there is still a chance. I pray, constantly. I yell at myself when I feel the fear trying to nudge into my head and I chant "faith" in my head until it deafens all other thoughts.I've never been so scared in my life.
Should you feel inclined to do so, I only ask that you send up a prayer, wish upon a star, toss a penny in a fountain, etc.. whatever feels right to you, and keep our little family in your thoughts during this scary time. Don't feel sorry for us, send us your strength.
Love,
Lexi, Larry, Cambria, Gracin, Elina, and the bean.
No comments:
Post a Comment