One day at a time.

I'm not even sure where to start, but I felt the need to write. I have said for several years that I wanted to be a blogger, but I could never find the motivation or what I felt was decent enough material to write about. Not to say my life was boring, everyone who knows me knows I am always busy and always doing something. For some reason, it took my whole world being turned upside down to find my voice, so to speak. I find myself falling asleep each night, organizing my thoughts for my next entry. It's freeing.

The last few weeks have been turbulent to say the least. I have received dozens of messages, emails, texts, and calls, and the one thing they all have in common, is that they all ask "How are you feeling". Answering that question has become one of the hardest tasks of my day. There is no blanket answer I can copy and paste in response, because how I feel changes by the minute. One minute I am perfectly confident that everything will be fine, and the next I am curled up in a ball on the couch trembling with anxiety. I am no longer fearful of what could happen, but I still have moments of panic and anxiety because of the stress of the situation. So, for most, I responded with "I'm surviving".

Everyone copes differently, and for a while I thought that the way I was coping was all wrong. For days, I had convinced myself that Elina (our youngest) was the one with DS, and that her case must be so minor no one had ever noticed it. I mean, she has a flat nose, and huge eyes, so in my tormented mind, it seemed logical. Then I hated myself for even having those thoughts about my beautiful girl! The next logical idea was that maybe I had miscarried somewhere along the line and didn't know. We had no idea how long my IUD had been out of place and therefore not functional. That theory sort of made sense, and I wasn't left with any guilt. Then my mind continued to wander, and came up with the theory that maybe I was originally pregnant with twins and one twin had DS and died, and that was why the test came back positive. The fact is, until we get the rest of the testing done, no one knows what could or could not have caused the positive results. Until we get those answers, I will continue to cope, whether it makes sense to anyone else or not, it's what works for me, and that's what is important.

The other thing I have had to deal with is ignorance. Sheer ignorance. While 99.9% of all of our friends/family have been completely supportive and encouraging, there is always going to be one bad seed. I won't go into details, to spare the feelings of those close to the situation, but basically someone in our lives posted a public announcement of their personal feelings on the matter that was extremely inappropriate and in very poor taste. I let this person know that their post was incredibly inappropriate and disrespectful, and in turn myself and our baby were crudely and selfishly attacked, as were the friends and family who defended me. The old me would have gone on the attack and an ugly battle would have ensued, but this entire situation has changed me through and through. Instead, I blocked this person and said a prayer that light and love may shine on the evil and blackness in their heart. I forgave this person. Something I didn't even know I was capable of doing. Whether this little guy is special needs or not, he has already made me a better person.

When it comes down to it, everyone has a stance on this matter. You're either pro-life, or your pro-choice. However, what makes all our friends and family so wonderful, is that despite YOUR personal opinion, every single one of you has said that you support OUR decision, whatever it may be. I am so incredibly thankful for that. A good friend once told me that the people closest to you in life are called your 'sphere of influence'. If you have negative people in your sphere, you are influenced by that negativity. Likewise if you have positive people in your sphere. To say I have been selective in who I include in my sphere would be an understatement and the proof is in the pudding. Every single one of you have been amazing during this time.

I know this is turning into the blog post that would never end, but I did want to let everyone know that we FINALLY have our appointment with the high risk perinatologist tomorrow in Fargo. We will start with an in depth ultrasound, followed by a meeting with the peri. I have my fingers crossed that we will be able to do the amnio at this appointment as well. If you could, please pray for clear, safe roads and good news at our appointment! I will update as soon as we know anything!

Thanks!

- Lexi